I am angry, I am still angry, and never mind the not blogging sod that, I will sort it out another time.
I must say that the message from NYC made me think very much and soon I will be looking into another blog to post all this.
I have just re-read my emails to the person that deals with the course I am studying, read the one where he replied saying interrupting the course was possible.
And then I read..The other one.The one that I apologized so much about and said was badly writen, in the later email.
And I am bloody angry!
Why? Because just like the story of my life lately (so it's not the story of my life then) is that I send thoughts which I don't usually dare sending to people, thoughts and facts that are very important to me, and they do not react to it! They don't reply!
They act cool and they pretend nothing happened or they don't comment back and they just piss me off! (Sorry F for having done that to you last year, it was needed so I could protect myself) (If I have done that to anyone lately, please say, and I have excuses with my homework that I am not doing)
Why is it that PEOPLE oh ah the P word, get something "so in their face" and they just carry on singing like if nothing happened??? I don't even try the agressive route, I just say honestly what I think! I don't want any harm, just a word back!
This email I sent him was a masterpiece! Well, I mean, as far as expression that I dared sharing with this person was concerned, it was a masterpiece, because in his presence I get tongue-tied.
And then that other email where I apologized...SUCKS!!!!
My, I was putting myself down so much, in it, and he was kind enough to just acknoledge my request, and not speak about nor even mention any of the rest! But surround his reply with those nice and polished words that he is able to lay, because he is clever like that, he is a business, politically perfect mind that I can't get any insight of.
Right, that is it, I am putting those emails on here, and a link to them too.
1st emailthat started it
Second email which I am REALLY ashamed for having writen and sent...
By the way, this is for me, no need to comment or stuff; I'll bugger off later.
I am angry for the lack of response that I got. As Duncan said, when you have students and you are going to make them go through a difficult and long self healing journey through the course, it's nice enough to warn them but you have to do it slowly, and really be there for them!
I am still very angry at his words "We are not a therapy group, if you need help, I would advise you to see a psychotherapist"
and the worse is I put myself down so much and said it was all my fault, my inner turmoil, just to avoid him having to feel guilty or bad; but it is a lie. And I wasn't honest enough to say that to him; that actually, he is the first person to be involved in my problems.
That I feel the energy in the course is like being between very shiny metal walls. Very pretty walls.
I visualise the tutors standing around the room,looking slightly down, holding their hands, as he says to others "I am going to show you how to do shuttling and prevent emotional crisis to happen with patients"
and to do this OH CRUAL demonstration on a student which cried a lot. And make her cry and stop in front of everyone.
That did make me angry. I know it's only an exercice and she agreed to it. To me, it is ridiculous.
And from that day, I now remember something changed in me.
I saw him, somehow a wonderful therapist with an enormous capacity, a potential, a reserve of mine of treasures inimaginable.
And him, the other him, the one that refuses to give the money back to that student that coudln't do his homework because of his shoulder and stopped after the 2d seminar and wanted to stop paying the standing orders; and how he called everyone to say how much M was a money orientated person.
Yes, we were warned and kindly notified of the fact he took more students that year than he should have, because he needed the money for this new venue. I welcomed that piece of news kindly. But well, except the toilets which stunk of chemical air vaporisor in the Yoga Centre in Kings Cross, I really liked that venue. Much more than the new one. It was more spiritual, to me.
His other side is of a very accomplished business man. His words are beautiful and polished as I don't know how he managed that, he speaks very well. I see him and he doesn't get involved. He keeps people away from his vulnerability. SOmetimes, he feels weak. Other times, he is this inpenetrable succesful therapist.
That thrones the course, with the standing tutors holding their hands looking slightly passive and obedient.
I arrived in there, seeking attention as I do, but in a hidden manner; seeking attention without seeking it. Made friends with a tutor that isn't as shy as the others. And then felt betrayed when I was seeking help with her.
Inconveniences with others, paranoia,pretence "OH how are you lovely top what do you do for a living do you wanna cup of tea ah lovely day nice venue oh difficult course" kisskisskiss and not kisskisskiss.
Loud laughters.
Extroverted personalities whom I resent. Students that lay down like they are going to go to sleep, lack of respect in my eyes, stuffing chocolates and snacks all along the course. And offer them around except to me. (exageration. It's how it feels like but them sometimes offer, but I think it's rude to chew when a teacher's speaking)
I don't feel allowed to exist myself, so I resent all of the others. For anything.
My own problem, I know. Yes, I am dealing with it. Now can I have a bit of human warmth and care, please? Not just pretty words that shut me up like a headache pill?
What to do? Wait till october to start that course again? I have a feeling that he doesn't want me to come back till the year after. He proposed it, saying that "those things" that "I ma going through" takes longer than a couple of months to resolve.
Meaning "you won't be sorted out by october and you will create some problems again"
And then he said, "we can give you anotehr chance, but if it "...", then you will understand that we can't give you a third chance"
Fair enough, I was surprised he offered me a second chance anyway.
I am a problem! I want to be a problem! PLease let me be a problem!
problemproblemproblemproblem
probleme.....
"You want to see how many therapists I see?", I nearly said to him.
I see:
a psychotherapist once a week since 3 weeks, we haven't managed to aim at any issues yet because there are so many, so it's been 3 sessions in the fog and I m wondering if I want to heal since I am hiding away behind my confusion
a healer that does Brenman style healing and a bit of talk therapy, once a week who is really sorting me out in a different way. I can feel the difference. Can't you? Didn't I stop blogging for a while? ;)
A crani-sac therapist I have seen for 15 sessions in the last 3 months,during the time of all this trauma happening, helped a lot but needed to move on as got angry and desillusionned about this annoying therapie which got me so angry and upset...
A new crani one whom I saw because my shoulder and neck was blocked for a week, seen her once but I want to see her again because she also does shiatsu and it's well interesting, she teaches me a lot.
A kinesiotherapist whom I have seen 3 times in the last 4 months, she has taught me a lot too, wonderfully weird and huge improvemnents
eeeeuh
A French digitotherapist who does healing as well as a bit of talk-therapy, mainly to help with my family and sexual issues, seen him 7 times in 10 months. He has helped me an awful lot in the deep ends. He is wonderful. Can't recommend him to my family, they don't believe in therapies much.
A French psychogenealogist therapist who deals with family problems especially (psychogenealogie) because my family problem, well, it drags on but what improvement lately. She made me realise I wasn't the last one. I have seen her once in 3 months but plan to see her again because she really helps. (I do enough therapies to compensate for all my family's lack of it, in fact enough to cover for all my friends too)
A family constellation workshop (2) to deal with problems with the family and its buggered energies and why whatwhen happened; opened new dimensions and new ideas, true or not I don't know,legitimate or not I don't know, right to exist or not, not sure. Must deal with it.
My blog which has been my main psychotherapist because it is like looking at myself in the mirror and talking at myself but actually involving other people in it makes it a bit odd at times (fear of judgement) but well.
D who has been doing practice cranitherapie on me for those last few months, he s been fantastic, calmed me down when I was going through shit and tried helping me have a miscarriage. It didn't work though. CV4 warnings are a load of crap.
And
R when I have let him do healing on me has been a great help too. Even though I don't want to accept! Don't love me, please!!!
--
So yes, I am looking to help myself, thank you. I am learning sooooo much, finding more balance and ressource in myself thanks to those wonderful people. (yes, some would argue I see too many, I do not feel the need to jutify myself for my actions of selflessness)
All I am looking for in this course is just consideration, consideration to what I want to express and what I may want to say at times. I don't demand 24h attention, I only ask gently for...a response, to what my anger and heart is crying for.
Once. Just once. And don't shut me up when I manage to say it, please. It is so difficult to express...
Note: Too many details that nobody needs to read. A blog is a blog. And now, at this stage, I don't have much to hide and I don't care anymore.
Even though it's bitchy of me to have posted those private emails. And even if he found it...So what? Maybe he would say a word, at last, that has something to do with it.
